What's a guy to do when he's "dated and made love to some of the most desirable, beautiful starlets in Hollywood" but still can't find love? If you're Scott Baio, you find two co-writers to package up your pinhead thoughts and try to sell a book. Perhaps emboldened by the success of early '90s casualty Tori Spelling, who sold her memoir to Simon & Schuster for $300,000 in December (albeit, after asking for $2 million), Baio is shopping around his own, poignantly titled tell-all, BaioWatch: How I Dated and Loved Hollywood's Most Beautiful Women and Ended Up Alone.
The book, which Radar obtained the first 60 pages of, is effectively a compendium of love advice Baio gleaned from flings with everyone from Pam Anderson to Heather "The One That Got Away" Locklear to, um, Liza Minnelli (A taste: "Take it from me, when a woman says, 'I need time to think,' it's over. You're fucked. That train has left the station. Cry for two days, then find someone else.")
Those looking for a little Baio lovin' to put next to their Charles in Charge: Season One DVD will undoubtedly be thrilled if he happens to find a publisher (though, a publishing source notes, "several have already passed.").
On losing his virginity at the age of 16 to Happy Days co-star Erin "Joanie" Moran:"I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say after we got naked. So for the first five minutes, maybe less—hell, it might have been the first twenty seconds—I'm doing it and thinking, man, this is really uncomfortable. What happened was, my thing was between the cushions on the couch and I didn't even know it. Instead of being inside Erin, I was humping a corduroy sofa!"
On being a teen heartthrob:
"I got tight with Charles Laufer, the owner and publisher of Tiger Beat, which became an effective promotional tool.... One girl sent me her underwear that she'd peed and menstruated in, didn't wipe and ran a mile in, so I could have her natural body fluids and odors.
On how he managed to pull chicks while partying at the Playboy Mansion with Charles in Charge co-star (and Radar correspondent Willie Ames):
"Admittedly, it's all about money, power and fame. Sometimes Playmates will walk right up to me and grab my crotch."
On the exact moment he knew his relationship with Pamela Anderson was over:
"One day Pamela came home and said, 'I'm thinking of getting my boobs done.' Admittedly, I was surprised. My initial response, 'Reduced?' She already had large, beautiful, natural breasts. At that moment I knew our relationship would soon begin to crumble. Pamela had finally gone Hollywood—or whatever it is that happens when a woman becomes a hot celebrity."
On his attempt to pick up Beverly D'Angelo (the Vacation movies, Entourage):
"Beverly was standing there at Liza's party. I didn't even introduce myself. I walked right over to her and confessed, "You know, you have one of the sexiest qualities a woman can ever have.
'Oh yeah? What's that?' she asked. 'You have an overbite.'
'I don't have an overbite, dear,' she said. 'I have a cocksucker's mouth.'"
Perhaps most bizarre, however, is an exchange he details in which a 51-year-old Minnelli tries to get Baio to become her surrogate baby daddy:
"'I really want your sperm. You're a talented, good-looking Italian guy. That's what I want my child to be.'
I was incredulous. 'What are you gonna do with my sperm?'
'Well, I'm going to take my egg and put it into somebody else's body.'"
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